Beverly Hills 90210: Forever

An in-depth examination of one of television's most magnificent programs.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Andrea: Revolutionary? No, I didn't think so.

Today's episode of 90210 may have been the longest in television history, or at least seemed like it, due to way too much screen time for both Andrea and David. However, you can't always get what you want, and being the patient viewer that I am, I waited it out. And let me assure you (despite being extremely gross at times), it totally paid off: in the form of an overdramatic after-school special about AIDS. Yes.

The episode opens with most of the gang gathered at the Walsh's, including Mom and Pop Walsh, as they watch the news because apparently Andrea and Brandon are on for some protest about sex. What? Yeah whatever. So Brandon ends up not even getting any air-time and he gets totally jealous which comes back later to totally ruin everything ever for about 5 seconds.

Later on at school, Kelly is so upset about seeing Donna and David together (don't worry, me too. Vom.), since it reminds her that her mom is dating David's crazy dad.
Kelly: "What can she see in a guy whose idea of a good time is a gum massage?"
Brenda: "Kelly, he's a dentist."
And that shuts her up. Wait, what? No, that doesn't make any sense Brenda. Just because he's a dentist doesn't mean anything. Dentists have social lives too. C'mon.

Later on the gang meets outside, where Steve, flustered, arrives asking Andrea "what happened to the sex survey?" Apparently it's been cancelled Steve! Your parents don't want you skipping class to answer questions about sex. Don't you understand anything? No. This really ticks off Steve, since now he has to go back to class and actually read Brave New World. Oh, quit whining, at least you don't have AIDS, like the 3,484,756 people in America, or whatever statistic Andrea apparently has memorized because she has nothing better to do.
Then there's some awkward scene where John Griffin, this nerd who's not actually a nerd, who likes to use big words and wears ties, shows interest in Andrea (um, again, what?) and she totally snubs him. (AGAIN, WHAT?) Andrea, you're 37. Take what you can get.

So the Walsh's decide to have a meeting of the Parent's Association at their house to discuss handing out condoms at school or something equally serious and absolutely unspeakable, and the pressure totally gets to Cindy Walsh because she is always so flighty and can't deal with anything.
After a bunch of arguing and probably some hors d'oeuvres, Donna's mom gets up and gives this really awkward speech about how awful it was growing up in the 60's and that parents these days need to lay down the law about abstinence.
This causes Donna, of all people, to speak up, to which Bill Sloan replies with "what is this, a student council meeting?" Oh Bill! Have another drink, already!
So Donna goes off on some crazy tangent about abstinence and AIDS and it involves a swimming pool analogy, and Andrea is all "I couldn't have said it better", which no one would want you to anyway Andrea, go clean your glasses; and then this dark, brooding bongo music starts playing because the scene was way intense.

Later on Brandon is all "whoever thought Andrea Zuckerman would be leading the next sexual revolution?" NO ONE, BRANDON. DON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT THAT, PLEASE.

For some reason, later on Brandon and Andrea are arguing in some empty stairwell and Andrea is getting all huffy about how everyone ever is going to get AIDS if she doesn't continue her march for human rights or whatever this has turned into, and she's all "this thing has momentum, it's got a life of its own," to which Brandon replies "well maybe you should get a life of your own," and Andrea does this weird twisty mouth thing like "Brandon, how could you?" and basically he tells her she's "inexperienced" which just totally kickstarts THE END OF THE SEXUAL REVOLUTION, even though it never even began.

So they end up having this thing where people vote on whether or not the school should talk about sex, or honestly I have no idea what's going on. The votes are against them and everyone is ticked about it. So Donna, again Donna, of all people, has this great idea to pass out pamphlets about AIDS and illegitamite children to random people in the street because obviously that's not weird at all. And everyone totally agrees but Andrea doesn't even care anymore and Kelly thinks it's way too strange (well yeah), and decides that she'd rather go shopping because it's "helping the economy".

Meanwhile, while all of this is happening, David is trying to plan a romantic night with Donna (augh, gross), which causes him to buy enough condoms to fill a wheelbarrow. Somewhere, while all of this is happening, Dylan comes to visit Brenda and he finds some article on her bed about that time she thought he was pregnant and he's all, "Bren, what is this?" and she's all nonchalantly like, "it's for the school newspaper," which just outrages Dylan because he's such a sensitive and private guy. So he starts yelling at her but it's not really yelling because he's only capable of hoarsely whispering, and then they make up after 3 seconds and she probably throws the article in the garbage or something. Who cares.

The next day at school, Donna tells David that her parents are in Aspen, so they can "watch the MTV special at her house." GREAT! Wait a minute. There seems to be an undertone here. Yes, there is, because Dylan just raised his eyebrow and there was a wild guitar riff in the background. David, what are you thinking? Oh no.

So everyone's going to hand out the pamphlets except Andrea because by the end of everything she's a total bitch and she's probably going to kill herself because she's just alienated everyone in about a day and a half just because she's a bitter 48 year-old virgin. And for some reason Kelly forgets her chemistry textbook in the newspaper room, oh right, because she's an idiot, and comes back to find Andrea staring at a desk or something because I'm pretty sure she's going to kill herself. This leads to a big talk and Kelly starts doing her weird twisty lip thing too because being a slut has made her life so hard and Andrea is like "you don't understand, you can get any guy you want!" and I don't really care what happens next.
Eventually John Griffin comes back all mopey because he doesn't fit in with the gang and doesn't want to hand out pamphlets anymore either and somewhere in between all of this he tells Andrea he's a virgin. So, finally, Andrea asks him to the movies because I mean, she's a desperate old maid, and he accepts which . . . isn't really understandable but it's t.v. so I'll let it slide.

In the home stretch, the audience is greeted by David dancing in his seat which is just awful and I hate when he dances so, so much, and he's trying to get Donna in the mood which is also awful but Donna just wants to eat pizza.

Finally, after 55 minutes of basically nothing, Kelly is sitting on her bed, talking on the phone with probably Brenda, and her mom comes in her room and she's all "gotta go, mom's here," and her mom sits down and does a weird twisty mouth thing too and she's like, "KELLY, NEVER, EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, EVER," and Kelly's all laughing and she asks her, "Mom, what are you talking about?" to which Mom responds, "KELLY, I'M PREGNANT."

And people wonder why I watch this show.


Blogger Gregory Fatsinki said...

This show is best when trying to fit in main characters who don't pertain the episode. Like Brandon's comments. Actually, there were a lot of years where Brandon was just around to be charming when he was really just having a hairdo.

Love this show. Love this blog more.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006 10:59:00 p.m.  

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